


The Great Pretender

by drippingpen



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Universe, Crack Treated Seriously, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Humor, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining Keith (Voltron), Pining Lance (Voltron), actor keith, actor lance, fake - Freeform, klance, let shiro say fuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-05 07:49:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15166013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drippingpen/pseuds/drippingpen
Summary: Lance gets cast in a movie to help promote Voltron and collect alliances. Unfortunately, Keith is cast as the romantic lead. Now, both of them have to suffer for the greater good by working together and pretending to be in love.Can they handle it? Will they survive? More importantly, can they convince everyone that they're only acting?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Pretty much keeping it around season three- where everyone's in their respective lions and everything is not = shit hitting the fan 
> 
> i had so much fun writing this it's practically crack
> 
> based off of this post: http://kxlance.tumblr.com/post/159182723578/what-if-the-space-mall-has-a-space-cinema-hence

The saloon was bustling with patrons, overflowing drinks sloshing on the worn down floors, heels clicking on the bar-tables, customers begging for a chance to flirt with the ladies of the night. Everything was coated with a hot, sticky energy, ever moving and shifting in the dim orange light. All save for the man in the corner booth. 

Amidst the swishing skirts and flying cards, this man sat stoic, chewing on his cigar. His hand rested on the hilt of his gun, his blue eyes trained on the swinging doors in the front. 

A woman adorned in low cut frills sauntered towards him, a drink in her hand. The yellowish liquid spilled over as she dropped it in front of him. The man sat up, eyes darting down to the drink.

“Who’s this from?” 

The waitress walked away and yelled something back. Her words were lost in the uproars of the bar. The man took the cigar out of his mouth and yelled again. “Darla! Who’s this fr-”

A knife was placed directly under his Adam's apple. The man didn’t dare to even swallow.

A soft breath tickled his ear. 

“What? You don’t like beer anymore, Lance?”

Lance grinned, white teeth flashing against his dark skin,“Not if it’s poisoned.”

Glossa. The woman he had been chasing for the past week. He wasn’t sure why it had taken him this long. A woman with seven eyes and four arms shouldn’t have been that hard to track. In the end, all he had to do was wait, and she’d come to him. He always had that effect on women.

Glossa gave him a small peck on the cheek, the barbs from her lips pinching his skin, “How many times do I have to apologize about that?” Lance chuckled, his lightness clouded by his eyes as they scanned the room.

“Once more,” Lance jerked his elbow into her stomach. As she doubled back, Lance pulled out his gun and shot the blade from her hand. She clutched her hand and winced at the heat. 

“Bad human!” She pouted and pulled out three more knives, one in each hand. She began charging. Lance smirked and held up his gun. 

With a closed eye, Lance aimed slightly above the alien. The bullet whizzed past her hair and hit something at the bar. 

“Ha! You miss-“ before Glossa could finish, the telltale sound of ricocheting crept closer. The blast smashed through the bottles and hit the mirror. Bouncing off, it slammed into a frying pan, reflected off an oversized earring and ricocheted off the three knives, landing and sizzling on the beautiful Glossa’s shoulder. 

She collapsed to the dirty hardwood, surrounded by her discarded blades. Lance sauntered up to her moaning body. 

“Didn’t anyone ever tell you to not bring a knife to a gun-" someone from the corner of his eye caught his attention. Lance dropped the gun and swiveled around. “Cut!”

A bell rang. The room of people groaned. The crew members put down their equipment and began resetting the shot. The boom OP lowered his mic, hitting Lance in the process. The soundstage, previously completely silent, save for Lance and Glossa, was now filled with various chatter between the crew members and the extras.

“Hey, guys!” Lance waved at his friends. He leaped off the set, bounding towards them. Allura and Coran were excitedly discussing and gesturing towards the set. Shiro and Keith were mumbling back and forth, laughing softly about something. Pidge was on her tablet and Hunk was waving ecstatically at him. 

Before Lance could properly greet them, the director skittered up, blocking his way. 

He was a short alien, his gloopy figure sloshing with annoyance. The four snail-like eyes were pointing in all different directions, only one focusing on Lance. 

“N-n-now Lance, we talked about this. O-o-only I can c-call cut.”

“Ooo, sorry about that Pilup.” Lance shrugged and gave him a sheepish grin. “I just got too excited seeing my future leading lady.”

Pilup perked up, “She’s here?”

Lance pointed towards Allura. “She’s that steaming glass of water over there.”  


“W-what? O-oh s-she is pretty, for a human… I think?" Pilup turned back to face Lance. "And the chemistry?”

Lance bit his lip, his voice dropping an octave, “Absolutely boiling.”

All four of Pilup’s eyes swiveled towards Lance, his lip curled. “Y-you human’s a-are s-so-”

“Sexy?”

“Disgusting.”

Lance nodded, “That’s fair.”

Pilup looked Lance over once more before he oozed away, a small trail of silver slime following him. He began barking orders at the crew, herding the extras off the set. 

Lance turned back towards his fellow Paladins, giving them his Oscar-Winning smile.

“So? What do you guys think of the set?” he held his arms out, almost hitting a PA in the face. 

Keith scoffed, “I can’t believe Allura’s letting you miss training for this.”

Lance dropped his arms, “Listen, the numbers don’t lie. Our alliances have skyrocketed ever since I started this movie.”

Keith raised an eyebrow, “Might also have to do with the fact that we’re out there making the alliances by, you know, saving people.”

Lance crossed his arms, “If you’re so jealous, I could get you cast as a headless body, or maybe a eunuch if you’re lucky.”

Keith took a step forward, “I thought that was your part.”

Lance snarled. Before he could snap back with something as equally scathing, Pidge stepped between them, “Hey Lance, what’s the mitpit password?”

“I don’t know, ask one of the PA’s.” 

Pidge turned and darted off towards the PA’s huddled together sharing a singular blue croissant. Hunk wrenched his eyes from the small pastry and grinned at Lance. Lance grinned back. They both threw open their arms and rushed in for a hug. 

“I missed you, buddy.” Hunk sobbed. Lance mumbled something back, his face buried into Hunk’s shoulder. 

“Are you- we had breakfast together!” Keith scoffed. Lance and Hunk continued to hold each other for longer than necessary. 

“He’s just jealous,” Lance sulked. He lifted his head and stuck his tongue out at Keith. 

Hunk patted Lance, muttering, “I know, I know. Let it out.” Keith threw his hands up in frustration. Shiro laughed. 

“Lance, I think you’re doing great work here,” Shiro said. Lance released Hunk and puffed out his chest. 

“Really?”

Shiro nodded, “It seems like every planet we land on has one of your posters.” Lance bounced on the heels of his feet. 

“Really?”

“Hah, yeah. Now, Lance, this is important,” Shiro leaned closer and put his hand on Lance’s shoulder. Lance put on his serious face, eyes darting around to make sure no Galra spies were listening. 

“What is it?”

Shiro took a deep breath, “Where the _fuck_ is the craft service’s table.”

Lance sighed in relief, “Oh! I thought you were going to say something serious or some-“

“ _Lance.”_

The paladin pointed to the table. In an instant, Shiro and Hunk had disappeared. Keith huffed. 

Lance turned and set his eyes on Allura. The princess. The future Mrs. Blue Lion. The future mother of his five children (three girls, two boys). He put on his best smile and slicked back his eyebrows. 

“So Allura… what do you think of the set?” He looked at his nails, trying to appear disinterested. 

Allura didn’t bother to look back at him, “Oh, it’s sweet. Though the lights are a little too bright, aren’t they?”

Lance laughed a little too loudly, “HAHA, not as bright as you!”

Allura tilted her head an smiled. “Okay? How do you like it here?”

Lance continued to laugh. Why was he laughing? She wasn’t that funny. Stop laughing. Lance. 

“Oh haha, you know. Miss you guys every second. Especially you. Haha.” 

Allura forced a grin as Keith rolled his eyes in the background. Coran placed his hand on Lance. 

“Ah, I also miss you, Lance. Just a couple weeks more!” He gave Lance a tight hug. Lance was still laughing. At this point, it was boarding on hysterics. 

“LANCE! MAKEUP!”

“Oh, thank god,” Lance breathed. He dropped out of Coran’s grasp and backed away. He waved goodbye. “That’s my cue, guys! Gotta go! Acting and wooing the ladies and all that. See you soon, Allura,” He quickly threw a wink her way and rushed off to makeup. 

* * *

 

The girl stared deeply into Lance’s eyes. All the eyes on the ends of her hair were staring too. Lance gulped, not sure which optic to focus on. 

“I-i, uh, can’t be the man you need,” He stuttered. He tilted her chin up towards him, trying to ignore it as her hair tentacles caressed his hand. 

“But you’re the man I want,” she whispered. She leaned in, her four lips puckered. Again, Lance was unsure of which to focus on. Did he have to open his mouth really big? Did he only kiss two at a time? What was the protocol here?

Her hair-eyes continued to stare him down, getting closer and closer till he felt like he was enveloped into slimy porta-potty of eyes. He pulled back, completely separating from her. If he wasn’t feeling it, he wasn’t feeling it. “CUT!”

Pilup slapped his hand on his face. “L-Lance!”

“Sorry,” Lance shrugged at the actress. Her eyes glared at him. In a huff, she stomped off. Lance looked back at the exasperated Pilup. “Can we bring in Allura already? I really think she’s perfect for this.”

Pilup shook his head in defeat, “Fine. Someone get the girl Lance brought in!”

Lance gulped. Kissing scene. With Allura. An absolute dream. But after kissing about twelve other girls, Lance needed to make sure he was still fresh. He turned to a PA. 

“Hey, do you have like a mint or something?”

“Or something,” the PA said, handing him a small pill. Lance popped it in his mouth, the sharp minty flavor hitting him quickly. 

“Fuck, that’s strong,” Lance chewed it, the taste exploding. 

The PA grinned wickedly and gave him a thumbs up, “You got this, dude.”

“We’re ready for you, Lance!”

The paladin whirled around, quickly swallowing his mint. He started shaking out his limbs, trying to loosen up. The room spun for a second. Hmm, too loose? Lance placed a hand on his head, trying to delay the dizzying. 

“Alright, ma’am. For this scene, Lance’s character, Lance McCool, has just hopped onto your motorcycle and unwillingly made you his getaway driver. He’s drunk, he’s an idiot, and he’s sexy. You’ve just been shot at by twenty different cops,saving this man you’ve never met before. After losing the cops, you finally find a place to stop and confront him. Under your annoyance, you find that you’re unbelievably attracted to him.”

Lance smiled, ignoring the spinning room, “And that’s when you find out that you can’t resist me any longer. And we kiss under the moonlight.” Lance looked up, ready to woo his leading lady. Keith stared back. Lance choked on his words. He quickly glanced around the soundstage. “Where’s Allura?”

Pilup rolled his eyes, “She’s right there, Lance. Now any questions?”

Keith gulped, shifting uneasily. “Actually-”

“Perfect, now. Whenever you’re ready. We’re starting at the top of page two.”

Page two. What was on page two? What was he doing again? Acting. Acting with Keith? No. With Allura. Where was Allura?

“Lance, your line: ‘Thanks for the ride.’”

Right! Acting! 

Lance took a deep breath. He could do this. He could act. He cleared his throat and smiled. Time for flirting. No amount of weird mints could dull his flirting skills. He was a born flirter. Time to flirt this shit out of… whoever this was. 

“Hey, thanks for the ride.” Lance smiled and leaned against the motorcycle. He looked curiously at the guy in front of him. What was he doing? The man was gripping the piece of paper in front of him, actively avoiding any eye contact with Lance. “What’s your name, again? Didn’t catch it over the sirens.”

The man gulped. “I-” his voice cracked. Man, was he nervous. He pressed his lips firmly together, forcing complete silence. 

Lance laughed. He stood up and tugged at the piece of paper. The man watched as Lance threw it to the floor. 

“Hey-!”

“Oh, he speaks!”

The man looked up indignity at him, searching Lance’s face. “You,”he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. After a pause, Lance wasn’t sure he was ever going to speak again. Was this the kiss already? The man opened his eyes and glared at Lance. “You do realize I just saved your ass? Is this how you always say thank you?”

Lance smirked. Finally. “No,” he leaned in close. “Let’s get a room first, yeah?”

“Oh, so now you want me to pay for your hotel _and_ hide you from the cops?”

Lance leaned back on the motorcycle, “I’ll make it worth your while.”

“I promise you, I’m not interested in anything you have to offer,” the man looked him over. “Quite the exact opposite.”

Lance pouted, “Oh, how you wound me- what’s your name?”

“K-Keith.”

Keith glanced down at the papers on the ground. Lance stood to block his view. “You’d don’t seem so sure.” Lance placed his hand on the wall behind Keith. “Are you hiding something, _Keith?”_

_“_ N- says the guy who just ran from the police!”

Lance leaned in closer. “Says the guy who just helped him escape.”

Keith backed up knocking the motorcycle against the wall. “Unwillingly.”

Lance tilted his head and gestured down the alley. “You can leave at any time.”

Keith didn’t move. “Who else is going to witness this train wreck?”

Lance placed his other hand on Keith’s waist.  “I guess it’s private show just for you,” Lance smirked. He eyes darted down at Keith’s lips as he pulled him forward. Just as they were breaths away, Lance paused. Gotta maximize the money shot. 

Keith’s eyes were wide, but he was avoiding any eye-contact with Lance. Lance raised his eyebrow. Interesting tactic. Lance dipped down. 

In an instant, their lips locked. Lance held still for a moment, relishing the contact. Keith was warm. Lance pressed closer. 

Big kiss, big moment. 

He moved his lips against Keith’s, walking forward until Keith’s back was pressed against the wall. Moving his hand down Keith’s body, searching for any bit of skin. 

Bigger, make it bigger. 

Lance pulled his hand from the wall and tangled it in Keith’s hair, tugging him into a better angle. Deepening the kiss, making it bigger, sloppier, faster-

“CUT!”

Lance separated from him with a loud pop. The guy hunched over, muttering “Whatthefuckwhatthefuck-”

Lance stretched, looking across the soundstage. The room started to spin again. He turned back to his costar, about to compliment him when-

“Wait-” Lance looked at him in horror. “Keith?! That was you?!”

Keith continued to wheeze, “Who the- who the fuck would it- are you stupid?”

Lance stared at him, “So-so the kiss- and- so- you?” Keith looked like he was about to hurl.

“Lance!” A small hand slapped his calf. Lance whirled around, looking down at the director. “That was amazing! You weren’t kidding when you said you two had chemistry!”

Keith dry retched behind them. 

“I-I think I need some water…” Lance mumbled, stumbling off balance.

“Get the man some water!” Pilup yelled. He laughed and slapped Lance’s calf again. “Man, you sure know how to pick them. All you humans look the same to me, but I can always sense talent.” He turned to Keith. 

“Sweetheart, you have the raw emotion we’re looking for.” He slapped Keith’s calf. Keith stumbled forward and held onto the motorcycle for dear life. Pilup grinned, clutching Keith’s leg and raising a fist into the air, “Crew, I’d like you to meet our new romantic lead!”

Lance nodded weakly, looking between Pilup, the crew, and the very sick Keith. The room continued to tilt and swirl as everyone clapped half-heartedly. 

Lance could barely hear Keith vomit as he collapsed to the ground. 


	2. Chapter 2

 

> ** Voltron’s Heat Ray Strikes Space Hollywood! **
> 
> _ A fiery romance sparks between co-stars Lance McClain and Keith Kogane? _
> 
> By Phsizzle Kitt
> 
>  
> 
> Lance McClain is the guy on everyone’s mind. He’s new, he’s hot, and he’s in. But word of a upcoming star just hit the pavement in Space Hollywood. Yesterday, Keith Kogane was cast as Lance’s love interest in the soon to be released movie: _A Lion’s Roar_ dir. Pilup Pent. The two costars signed their fate with an incredibly steamy on-camera kiss during the audition (ref. video 1.). According to my sources, this isn’t the first time they’ve held each other close! My senses tell me that Keith and Lance have a just as steamy relationship off screen as they do on. Lance has been found saying on numerous occasions of how he’d love to “stick [Keith] in [my] wormhole.” It doesn’t get hotter than that. Keith, a more private man, has been known for the fond looks he always sends Lance’s way (see attached picture 1, picture 2, picture 3, picture 4). Can’t you just feel the love in Space Hollywood tonight? I’m sweating over here! When we reached out to their representatives, we were given this statement:
> 
>  
> 
> “The Paladins of Voltron’s one goal is to defend the universe and bring peace. Any other matters concerning what they do in their free time is solely of their own. Please respect their privacy.”
> 
>  
> 
> Secrets secrets are no fun. Luckily, an inside source had a little juicier scoop. When asked about their relationship, a certain paladin said:
> 
> "Keith and Lance? Hah, sure."
> 
> You decide readers! Are Lance and Keith hot for each other, or is this writer just spewing some wishful thinking? Either way, I’ll be first in line for _A Lion’s Roar_ release!

Keith stared at the screen in front of him. He gritted his teeth together, glaring at the text, willing it to disappear. 

No such luck. 

He leaned back into the chair, still as stiff as a board. Had Lance read this yet?  
A piercing shriek from the corner of the castle confirmed that he had.

“PIDGE! WAS IT YOU?”

Keith tensed up as he heard the footsteps come closer. Lance skidded into the room.   
“GREMLIN! WHERE ARE YOU HIDING-“ He stopped short as soon as he saw Keith. A small glance between Keith and the computer confirmed his suspicious,“You already-?”

Keith sat up and cleared his throat, “…yeah.”

Lance nodded slowly, refusing to make eye contact. He pursed his lips and backed out of the room, almost running into the wall in the process. As soon as Keith was out of sight, he continued running down the hallway,“PIDGE! DEMON! SHOW YOURSELF!”

Keith listened as Lance’s footsteps hurried away. Everything had continued to be incredibly awkward since yesterday. Right after they had both been taken to the nearest hospital, and the doctor had explained just how incredibly high Lance currently was, barely a word had been exchanged between them. Occasionally, Keith would catch Lance staring at him, and vice versa, but beyond that, a vow of silence had been set. It was for the greater good. 

The kiss was just… stuck in his mind. He wasn’t even sure what had happened there. He thought maybe it had something to do with his competitiveness, and when Lance had refused to step down, why should he? And then that scene just escalated. Really quickly. And, before Keith even realized it, he was throwing up and Lance was dead on the ground. 

Keith slumped back in his chair. Against his better judgment, he scrolled through the comment section. 

 

>  
> 
> _ picklemepink says: _
> 
> i want them both to come into my house and murder me
> 
> _ stildeadpleasedonttouch says: _
> 
> they came to save my planet and literally the whole time they just flirted
> 
> _ happytobenothere says: _
> 
> my friend was on set and she said keith vomited- lance has really bad breath maybe?
> 
> _           lanceisreallycool replied: _
> 
>           he doesn’t thats a lie. keith vomited because the poison from his mullet has finally reached his brain
> 
> _                      happytobenothere replied: _
> 
>                      i think keith’s hair is hot
> 
> _                                  lanceisreallycool replied: _
> 
>                                  oh no the poison’s affecting you too please go see a medic
> 
> _                                           picklemepink replied: _
> 
>                                           i want them both to poison me
> 
>  

* * *

 

Lance gripped the pages in his hands, scanning the room. The actors sat together in a roundtable, all looking at him, deadly silent. One of them chewed on a piece of kale, the crunching slicing into the air. 

“I’m not-,” he leaned closer to Pilup and lowered his voice. “You seriously want me to say this?”  
Pilup turned an eye his direction, “T-this is a read-through. The instructions are-are in the name, Lance.”

The paladin slouched in his chair and focused on the words on the page. Keith was sitting directly in front of him, staring at the same exact words. They started blurring together, the nonsense blending into more nonsense. He mumbled the line under his breath. 

“Louder,” Pilup said. 

Lance sighed. In the most unenthusiastic voice he could manage, Lance recited the line, “You are the sand… and I am the ass-crack. We are inseparable, always finding the other, despite the world trying to keep us apart.” Lance slumped lower into his seat, not daring to glance at Keith. A few of the actresses sighed lovingly. 

“It’s so dreamy,” one of them whispered. 

Keith gulped. In an equally annoyed tone, Keith read, “The butterflies in my stomach are… frolicking.” Lance snorted, quickly evolving his laughs to coughs. Pilup gave him a look. 

“Oh, how I wish I could… nuzzle… every single one of those perfect butterflies,” he coughed again. “Those beautiful, stomach acid-covered butterflies.”

“They are dripping no longer with stomach acid… but with- ugh, desire,” Keith said.“I need you, Lance. The butterflies need you.”

“Oh my god, Pilup,” Lance turned to the director. “No one actually talks like this! Why can’t they just say they want to bone and be done with it!”

Keith rolled his eyes, “I don’t know. These lines sound a lot like you trying to pick up some random alien.”

Lance twisted his mouth, “I’d like to pick up your face and chuck it into outer-space.”

“You’re just upset because your character is madly in love with my character. It’s okay Lance, try to separate fantasy from reality.”

“Lance doesn’t give two shits about Keith. He just thinks K- your character is hot or whatever,” Lance sneered. “I guess he’s now blind- I’m actually making that a character choice: Lance is now blind.”

“If he’s blind, then how does he shoot a gun?” Keith leaned back in his chair.

“He’s uh, just has really good echolocation.”

Keith nodded slowly, “Yup. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Just admit it, your character is insanely in love with my character.”

Pilup held up both of his hands, motioning for silence, “From now on, whenever you refer toyour characters, you will use first-person.” Pilup turned to Lance. “N-now, Lance, why don’t you want to admit that you’re in love with K-Keith?”

Lance sat up and grabbed the pages, “I think we were on page seventy-eight? Right? I’ll start with my line-”

Pilup shook his head and took the pages from Lance, “Those words are garbage. Why don’t we do a little improv?”

“Oh god, no,” one of the actors groaned. Pilup ignored them. 

“L-Lance, Keith, I want you both to stand n-n-next to each other.”

Slowly, and unwillingly, they complied, all while managing to avoid any eye contact. 

“We’re going to play a little game,” Pilup grinned. “I want you b-b-both to take turns telling the other what you like about them.”

Lance turned to Pilup, “Do you want this in-character? Because I seriously doubt I can-”

“I w-want this interaction to be between Lance McClain and Keith Kogane.”

“Shit,” Lance crossed his arms.  


Pilup sat back in his chair and gestured towards them, “L-Lance, since you have so many opinions about this, w-w-w-why don’t you start?”

Lance scratched the back of his head. He could think of a couple things he sorta liked about Keith, but those were somewhat embarrassing. He wouldn’t say any of that pussy shit to Keith in a million years. Keith would take it too seriously and would probably topple over from the size of his head. How would they be able to form Voltron then? 

“I like… the way… you sometimes take a shower. It’s nice not having to wear a gas mask every day,” Lance smiled as some giggles from the actors bubbled up. Pilup huffed.

“Not really the point of this. Also, you both must maintain eye contact.”

Lance groaned, meeting eyes with Keith. It was… awkward. Usually, when Keith was giving Lance his undivided attention, they were in an argument at each other’s throats. But, now, Keith was looking at him, both not saying anything. It was like Lance had complete permission to finally study Keith without feeling like he was crossing a line or something. He could stare into his striking purple eyes, or memorize the slant of his nose, or the shape of his eyebrows. Yeah, he could do all that and not feel weird about it. Because he was supposed to, right? He was supposed to look at Keith’s lips and… just… look at them.

“Your turn, asshat,” Lance muttered, quietly enough that only Keith would hear him. Keith scanned his face for a moment, opening his mouth then closing it. 

After a couple of seconds, Keith spoke, “I really love the way that no matter how many times you get rejected, and you get rejected a lot, you always find the courage and delusion to hit on Allura.”

Lance gritted his teeth, “Oh yeah? Well, I love the way you just never think things through and do whatever the fuck you want, getting us almost killed.”

Keith snarled, “Really? I love the way you can barely form a cohesive thought. It’s amazing! How do you even function?”

Lance sputtered, “Well- I love the way you- you just- you know what? Fuck you!”

“Fuck you!”

“Enough!” Pilup yelled. The two were standing inches apart, breathing heavily, red flames licking the corners of their eyes. “This is obviously n-not working, and- you know. I think we’ve done enough t-today. Everyone, except Keith and Lance, go home.”

They both stepped away from the other, waiting as everyone shuffled quietly out of the room. Lance could feel his face heating up, he looked down at the floor and kicked at the carpet. 

This was completely Keith’s fault. If he had just spoken up and said ‘Hey! I’m not Allura! Don’t kiss me!’, Lance would be staring into Allura’s eyes right now and whispering sweet nothings. Lance was probably infected with every other space virus from Keith's kiss. Who knew when the last time Keith took a shower was. God knows what was growing on that kid. 

“Now, that w-was unfortunate,” Pilup scooted his chair closer to them and gestured for them to sit down. “I was really hoping we’d get the passion we got yesterday.”

“Well, I mean, I was drugged out of my mind,” Lance said, picking at his nails. He glanced up at Keith. What was his excuse?

“Hmm, as y-you keep reminding us,” Pilup looked at Keith, paused, then stood up. He went over to the mini-fridge in the corner. “D-do either of you want anything to drink?” They both shook their heads. Despite this, Pilup came back with three bright orange cans and handed one to each of them.

Lance flicked open the tab, enjoying the slight hiss of bubbles. He held the drink up to his lips, then paused. “No drugs?” Pilup laughed and shook his head. Lance gulped half the can down. Surprisingly enough, it tasted like blueberries and ginger. 

Keith watched him, his lip curled as Lance wiped the drink off the back of his hand. Lance raised an eyebrow at him and turned to Pilup. 

“So, what are we going to do? Some zip, zap, zop, or…?”

Pilup shook his head, “No, I don’t think that will accomplish much. Clearly, both of you have trouble with the truth. However, I have something a little more important to discuss with you. As of right now, you both are in a romantic relationship with the other.”

Keith choked on his drink, “What?!”

“What do you mean- we haven’t- it was like one! Kiss! That’s it! Nothing else happened!” Lance sputtered. 

“C-clearly,” Pilup said. He began rummaging in the small bag next to him. “N-now, your goal of being here is to generate support for Voltron, to create as m-many alliances as p-possible. And, I have n-noticed that having an off-screen relationship is a catalyst for attention.” 

“Y-yeah! But, there have to be other ways to-” Keith said, clutching the drink in his hand. 

Pilup pulled out a yellow folder, “Yes, I’m sure there are. However, your manager Coran has already agreed and we drew up these c-contracts last night.” He placed two papers in front of them. Keith didn’t bother to look at the contract.

“Pilup, Lance and I- we can’t- you can’t seriously expect us to do this, can you? I mean, Lance can barely exist in the same timeline as me without screaming about his obsession with my hair!”

Lance lifted his face from the contract, “We get to do Saturday Fright Live? As a couple? Really?”

Keith gritted his teeth, “Lance, don’t get distracted. We’re not doing this.” Lance put down his contract, looking between Pilup and Keith.

“I mean, what would we have to do?” Lance said, glancing back at the contract. So many talk shows, so many opportunities to indulge in the raging narcissist starving inside him. 

Pilup shrugged, “The contract goes into more specifics, but the main guidelines are ‘Don’t kill each other’. Pretty much, don’t do what you did today.”

“Do we have to, uh,” Lance cleared his throat. “… you know.”

Pilup turned a darker shade of green, “I- this is mainly for the public eye. I don’t know much about human customs, but, I don’t see how the media would find out about your… uh, repro-“

“KISSING. I MEANT DO WE HAVE TO KISS,” Lance quickly blurted out, his face now crimson. Keith blessed the heavens Lance’s mind hadn’t jumped immediately to that route. 

“Ohhh, I mean. You have to kiss in the movie, I don’t see how this would be any different,” Pilup laughed nervously. “We’ll send you to a couple interviews. All you have to do is sit next to each other, and not act like the other person is the bane of your existence.”

“Easier said than done,” Keith grumbled. He looked over the contract. The perks were pretty good, and it would generate a lot of attention. Keith just wasn’t sure it was the attention he wanted. Especially from Lance. 

“What are you- Keith, I am a fucking deLIGHT!” Lance said. Staring lasers into Keith’s eyes, Lance grabbed the contract and signed on the dotted line. “Just you fucking wait. I’m gonna be the best goddam boyfriend you’ve ever had.”

Keith snatched his contract from the table and did the same, “Fuck you, Lance.”

“Maybe later tonight, babe,” Lance winked. 

Pilup took the contracts and smiled, “Save it for the cameras, boys.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is too fun lol 
> 
> thank you so much for reading and commenting !!! :DDD
> 
>  
> 
> [my tumblr](http://www.letlancelive.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> if u want more of this shitshow comment and smash that kudos <3 absolutely makes my day :D


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